Man, this just doesn’t get easier. And luckily for you, I have deleted the 6 pages of comprehensive encylopedic explanations and am sticking with the Coles notes.
There are issues with the flap. The important thing is that there is adequate blood flow and it will almost certainly be viable in the long term. However, some of the tissue inside is already dying, and the graft on the outside is splitting at the bottom and the more natural intervention they hoped would promote healing isn’t working. Moving forward they will either: continue with natural healing which means I would be here for another month or so; they would do a mechanical debridement which would hopefully assist in the wound healing, or they will need to do another skin graft over this one.
I feel as though the team completely dismissed my concerns, even with experience of having a partially failed flap last time. Seeing part of my face literally falling off itself is one of the most disturbing things I’ll probably ever have . I wonder what else is down the line.
The early part of the evening was spent lying in bed terrified and sobbing, even while clinging to the promises of God’s presence and the knowledge that I am completely enveloped in the love of friends. Every day, every hour my emotions and confidence wildly swing me about.
I have a small hope that someone from the senior team will talk to me tomorrow, but it’s more likely that they’ll tell me they are watching, and someone will talk to me on Wednesday. Ugh.
But, I’m still fighting. I follow a cancer survivor online who uses cute art as a way to document and express the various experiences and emotions of the group. I think everyone has been in a place where someone asks you how you are and it’s difficult to know how to answer. Well, in this group, we smile and say …. Not Dead Yet. I love that. It’s my way of saying, it is gruesome but I’m not going down.