This is me, exactly one year ago, taking the last photo of my original face. I’m waiting to be wheeled into the surgery that was going to save my life and return me to health. Scared and also hopeful, encouraged by my new personal motto, “Next year at this time …. (I’ll be enjoying a wonderful life again.”)
It didn’t really turn out that way. Instead, the cancer came back aggressively and savagely and earlier this month (September 3rd) I went through another complicated multi-facet surgery to remove the cancer that was now not only in the inner cheek, but also the jawbone and skin. IThe last two weeks of recovery have been pretty brutal, and frustrating because from day 3 I knew that some things were not going well, despite the doctors reassurance it would be okay. So today, on that one year anniversary, I will not be playing pickleball and celebrating with friends. I will be undergoing another surgery to debride the wound (basically ¾ of the right side of my face). This is removing the dead and infected tissue to improve the healing potential of the remaining healthy skin. A skin graft using skin from my thigh will be used to cover over this area.
I am trying to tell myself that this is a good step to get back to healing, but it is so scary and there are days/hours/minutes where I say to myself, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.
But I will. A few years ago I was studying the Biblical book of James, and during the long hours leading up to today, I re-read some of the things I had learned. That perseverance is not passive, it is an active intentional endurance, a determined act of will to make it through. So even though I am scared, angry, reluctant and fearful, and there are days/minutes ahead which may threaten my belief there are better days ahead, I am stating that, although I will have understandable difficult times, I will seek to see beyond these circumstances and feelings, and with intention and determination keep walking through it.
And whatever happens I know I am in God’s care, and I am enveloped in the love of my family and friends.
““Love falls to earth, rises from the ground, pools around the afflicted. Love pulls people back to their feet. Bodies and souls are fed. Bones and lives heal. Blades of grass grow from charred soil. The sun rises.”- Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow
So let’s go, in an hour (7:00 am) surgery starts and we’re one step closer to healing. Thanks for being here with me.