When I checked into the hospital for my surgery to remove the inner cheek cancer, I expected to be home in 10 to 12 days. It’s Day 27 with no end in sight, and although the surgeons are continually liaising with each other, a clear workable plan has evaded them.
The conversations at rounds have gone from, “Relax, it’s going to be fine” to “We’re just going to keep an eye on it a little longer”, to “you’ve had a rough road but we’re not out of options.”
The last post I wrote was before the surgery to debride the flap tissue and put on a new skin graft covering. Within a few days it was already failing. Not for the faint of heart, the graft pulled away and I have a hole (slit) running from the corner of my right lip midway down my chin. Another shocking discovery where my shrieks could be heard down the hallway. I can’t explain how overwhelming it is to see your face with holes in it where there should be skin. As well, the piece covering the cheek did not stay either. My face is currently held together with gauze and a net. On Wednesday I’ll have my third surgery. They are still debating whether to do a total new flap or to just try to cover it up with another skin graft. (I’ll soon have no places left on my body from where to harvest skin!).
The reason my flaps/grafts fail is because I have pool vascular circulation. I struggle with trust that a third attempt will make a difference, but I know the surgeons are continually monitoring and reassessing the plan. Right now the primary goal is toget the area covered securely. They say that would be followed by other surgical procedures after healling.
What makes it more difficult is that I have several serious bacterial infections in the area where the new hardware was put in. I’m on a cocktail of various antibiotics which will go on for at least another four weeks.
I’m back on a feeding tube because my weight is dangerously low, which. means my walking has been curtailed and I am more tethered to bed again. I’m also weaker which makes keeping emotions in check more difficult as well.
I’ve spent the last two days crying non-stop and thinking that I just can’t do this, I can’t get through it, but also knowing that I can and I will. The days waiting for surgery and the days waiting to see the results will be long and difficult.
Many of you know that my faith in God is foundational in my life, and so although I scream, swear, weep with despair, feel defeated and want to give up, I keep moving forward knowing that whether the news is favourable or alarming, I will find the strength and hope to continue on.
