Well, it’s finally here – the third flap surgery is at 7:00 am today, 7 weeks after the initial surgery. It’s been a roller-coaster this last week. Another procedure was cancelled, then as they were preparing me they discovered they couldn’t do it because of some anatomy issues. Those days were some of the toughest yet – I’m sure I wept gallons of water. At this point I felt as though it was all hopeless, that my body was just going to refuse to allow any kind of healing. It’s these times where your love, support and prayers carried me forward and out of that black hole of despair. Even with miles between us, your encouragement has anchored me and given me courage when mine was faltering.
The last few days I’ve been contemplating all the possible outcomes and wrestling with the awareness that mortality isn’t just a distant thought anymore and reflecting on my life and it’s worth (did I do enough, did I make a difference, etc.) However, I also have such a clear picture of myself in the future, talking, eating and laughing with friends and family. I have optimism this will be the surgery that works, and get excited about having a whole face (scarred or deformed – it’ll still be me) and being able to finally go home. I am “happy” that I am conscious that it is possible (and normal) to live with both joy and sorrow daily, and that even in this unease there is meaning and tastes of joy every day.
I’ve been reading a lot of liturgies, and this week, I have prayed this often.
Let me live now, in light of the knowledge
that a time might come in this life
when I feel such sickness and discomfort
for a long season, when I must adjust to a
“new normal,” when my abilities are limited
either by the slow decline of age
or from some accident, injury, or disease.
Therefore, let me use the good health that I have
while I have it, presuming nothing.
Let me use it to serve well, to love well,
to care for your people, your creation,
to spend my allotted days
cherishing hearts,
creating beauty,
bringing order,
offering healing,
delighting in your goodness manifest to me in a
million ways, and so to one day come to the end of my days having stewarded them well.
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And now for a complete switch in the conversation, you might wonder what I’m doing in these wee hours of the night while waiting. I’m reading cookbooks online and saving recipes. It’s been about a year since I’ve been able to just eat “normally” and I perhaps have become a bit obsessive thinking about when I can again. In just the time I’ve been in the hospital I have saved over 250 recipes which I think is hilarious because I don’t even enjoy cooking and baking, I am VERY well prepared to do it when my mouth has healed. (Yesterday, I even went to a local Japanese/Korean grocery story and came out with a huge bag of sauces and other non-perishable ingredients I can’t find in North Battleford!). I like to think of this as a big positive – I must believe recovery is coming. And yes, when that day comes you want to share meals or baking with me, I’d be happy to accept
So I’m off to get ready for my surgery and hopefully a face with an actual cheek and mouth!
